Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Korea vs Kalamazoos

Koreans are obsessed with appearances - why else would they have the highest plastic surgery stats in the world? Well, one part of their body they won't tweak is their chesticles*. Korean ladies like 'em small - it's part of the lanky, skinny waif trend, I guess. Behold, a beautiful Korean woman:

They have lines for everything - V line for the face and cleavage (uh, what cleavage? You mean that little valley between your twin peaks, Mt Mozzie-bite and Mt Kumquat?), S-line for 'curves', I guess. And all kinds of other such ideals about beauty. I'm not really going to go into them here - click the link to read about it.

Let's get back to the jubblies at hand.

Now, women in my family are blessed with good health, good hair, a sense of humour and pretty blue eyes. One area we don't do so well in is, well, the wah-wahs. With one exception.

Yep, you guessed it. The one person in the family who has decided to zoom off to kimchi-land is the one who is the least aerodynamic. They're not huge, but they're definitely bigger than the average Korean's hemispheres. And with Korean ideas of propriety clashing majorly with those held by your typical South African, my 'over-endowment' in the bikini-stuffer area is looking like it might end up being a bit of a problem.

In South Africa, it is considered acceptable, and even quite elegant, to go out looking like this:

In fact, we even celebrate 'National Cleavage Day' as a Breast Cancer awareness thing. We like our mammaries. We're not ashamed of them, and we don't hesitate to whip out our fun bags whenever it seems appropriate... Within reason.

Oddly enough (from a Korean perspective), we happy mushmelon-jiggling Saffers think this is a bit trashy:

It's perfectly acceptable in Korea, apparently. All right, let's agree to disagree about where it's appropriate to flash whatever kind of cleavage. What worries me is that because I am 'lucky' to have the most shapely sugarplums in my family, I've always cunningly used them to draw attention away from the junk in my trunk, if you get my drift. I have a loooot of junk in my trunk. What can I say? I'm a hoarder.  See, if we break it down into Korean terms, my body is less of an S line and more of a ᄅ. So I most definitely veer away from the Korean trend of miniskirts and matron tops, toward a more western idea of enhancing the Moo Moos and hiding my other-other lovely lady lumps.

This means I'm going to have to go through all my clothes and throw out anything strappy or plunging. I didn't even know some things were low cut until I saw photos of myself in what I thought at the time was fairly formal, conservative wear. Why yes, I did bring my Jemimas to your wedding. Sorry about that.

Once I've gotten rid of all the clothing that lifts my udders, squeezes my tortillas, drops bass on my woofers and frames my dueling banjos, I wonder if there will be anything left for me to actually wear. I'm also going to have to invest in a whole lot of over-shoulder boulder-holders as they don't sell anything larger than a B-cup in Korea.


*Ah, euphemisms. Boy, this was a fun post to write. 

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